Hello Victor the Cat:
I’ve got a frustrating dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been together for one blissful year. I have — literally — no complaints and plenty of compliments about our relationship.
He and his previous girlfriend broke up about 1 1/2 years before we met. Theirs was a complicated relationship for about four years. In hindsight, my boyfriend feels that they were never really that well matched, and is very glad they broke up, although it was very painful for him when it happened.
About a month after he and I started dating, his ex started calling him and telling him she wanted him back, that she never imagined they wouldn’t end up being together forever. He was upfront with me about it, and at the time I told him if he needed a break from us to wrap up loose ends with his ex that I would understand. He said “No, it’s definitely over with her, I love you, etc etc.” And that was that.
But that wasn’t that. Since then she has contacted him several more times to tell him she misses him, and started asking him for money she says he owes her, at times becoming quite manipulative and mean. The last time she did this he asked her to not contact him ever again. But on New Year’s Eve he received a text: “Happy New Year’s – I’ll always love you,” which he promptly told me about and deleted.
Here’s my real dilemma: I’m not worried about my boyfriend at all. If we were any more committed to each other, we’d need to be surgically attached (and trust me, it’s cute not creepy). But I find that I am now becoming obsessed with his ex – wanting to tell her off, wanting to make her stop, wanting to send her articles on how to get over a broken heart so she can stop being so disrespectful and maybe finally leave us alone! Why do I feel so strongly about this? And how can I manage my emotions better?
Thanks, my furry guru,
The Lucky One
Dear Lucky One:
My first thought is that you are entirely within your rights to be totally ticked off by the behavior of your boyfriend’s ex. You say they were together for four years and broke up 1 1/2 years before you and he met. So, by my calculations (and the undisputed relationship rule that says it should take you half the time you dated someone to actually get over them), miss crazy pants should’ve been nearly over her ex by the time you and he started seeing each other.
Clearly, this nut-job has serious boundary issues (as well as other issues relating to why she cannot seem to move forward and beyond her former relationship). Not only is she bothering your boyfriend with unwanted advances, she’s also negatively interfering with your relationship, which she obviously has no right to do. She is not welcome, and she knows it. But her irritating texts and phone calls are the only way she can attempt to exert some control, which is what she wants to do. (Mental note: She also has control issues.)
Now, I completely understand the desire to tell her off, make her stop, and send her links to articles about pathetic ex-girlfriends. But you must, I repeat, must resist the desire to do so! Why? Because that’s exactly what she wants you to do. She thrives on generating any kind of attention, good or bad (from your boyfriend, you, anyone else), so if you give her the satisfaction of any kind of response, then the terrorists have won. (In this case, the terrorists are your boyfriend’s ex.) I know this is tough advice to follow, because you really feel like you’d be teaching her an important and necessary life lesson, but trust me, you wouldn’t be. People like her don’t learn from rational and reasonable methods. In fact, people like her often don’t learn at all. So don’t provoke her, pity her.
Ignoring her will send a much, much stronger message than any telling off ever could. In the meantime, concentrate on all the positive aspects of your delightful relationship with your boyfriend. Eventually, his ex will get bored and move on (and will likely start bugging some other poor soul).
My second thought is that your story would make a great screenplay. At first, the audience thinks the guy is going to cheat with his ex. He doesn’t. Then they think the crazy ex is going to kill the boyfriend or new girlfriend. She doesn’t. Turns out, the nice, normal new girlfriend is the one who goes all “Single White Female” on the ex. At the very least, you should write this up as a screenplay treatment and pitch it to a few Hollywood studios. Not kidding. That’ll show your boyfriend’s ex!
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